I became a mom and suddenly all these insecurities surfaced!
It felt like I lost myself, my sense of self in that first year. My sense of identity was altered. My definition of identity didn’t work for me anymore. It’s like, I wanted to be the same me because I knew that me, I was comfortable with me, I was even relatively secure as that me. I knew what I liked, how to spend my time, what I valued and believed in. I thought I knew where my value came from, what made me unique. But then a person came out of my vagina and all of that was gone.
Or so it felt. I was changing and I didn’t give anyone permission to change my life! Except I did when I said I’d keep that little baby. She came out of me into the world and changed my body, my mind, my career, my marriage, my home, my identity. I needed to redefine everything and that was so unexpected.
After dealing with postpartum depression for almost a year I started to see a little more clearly. I started developing new rhythms and routines, I fell in love with my baby girl, I started to look at my husband again, there was a magic in my life brought by this baby girl. She challenged me to grow and expand and heal in ways I never would have had the motivation for before motherhood.
So now it’s been 2 years in my new skin, with my deflated boobs after nursing, and the clearer skin from the hormone shifts, and a new career established to support new mamas, a new found understanding of my absolute NEED to create and have alone time.
I’m not the same, but I’m better. I’ve dug my heels into the earth a little more and found more grounding, more simplicity, more truth. I have come to realize my worth was never in my productivity now that I’ve slowed down. And my love for my daughter, my willingness to sacrifice everything for her, has shown me how loved I am by God in a way I could never have imagined prior to motherhood. So if you’re wondering who the *#%$ you are right now, I’m here to tell you, you’ll figure it out. Just show up in your life as aware as you possibly can. The answers will come, and it WILL get better. I’m not talking circumstances which are totally unpredictable, I’m talking healing for the soul. If you’re open to hearing truth about who you are, you’ll hear it. Just breathe. Just wait. Just be.
I’m in this with you mama.